And then there were three ...
At 4:10 this morning, we welcomed a beautiful, healthy baby girl into the O’Brien family. 9lbs, 15oz and 21inches tall. My wife once again gave birth to a toddler.
Mommy is doing fantastic. I’m off to let Alia and Caitlyn meet their new baby sister.
How did I get so lucky?
Pictures and name coming soon …
Fear
Fear When i was younger, my first memory of true fear was sitting on top of a clubhouse. Matt and Steve would regularly jump off of the roof. Since it was only about 15 feet or so to the ground it really wasn’t that big of a deal. But for some reason I just couldn’t get over the fear. Sure enough, I twisted my ankle pretty good. Being so tight made for a rough landing.
In junior high (or late elementary, I really can’t remember which) I distinctly remember standing on the high dive. Looking down it seemed like a mile to the pool below. What is it going to feel like hitting the water at that speed? Will my heart stop on the way down. I never really figured out how to quell the fear, I just jumped anyway. I thought I was never going to hit the water. I had never felt a rush like that. The problem was, the fear of climbing the ladder and standing at the top didn’t seem to go away.
In high school I finally got to go to an amusement park. Kings Island, with all the roller coasters you could handle in a day. The twin racer brought back that same kind of rush. That feeling of having so much fun. This was, of course, after the fear of climbing that first hill. The Beast was even worse with the incredible clicking and clanking that it does as you creep up and up. Only to be dropped into a hole going down. To this day it still takes my breath away.
It had not gone unnoticed while I was growing up that the things I considered the most fun of all like riding the beast or jumping off the high dive (soon to be replaced by cliff diving in Spain) had a strong link to being scared to death before doing them.
I have had plenty of fearful moments in life that were not followed by a pure adrenaline rush. But I can’t say the same thing in reverse. The most exhilarating moments of my life have always had a component of fear.
I thought I knew what fear was. I found out how naive I had been.
My first taste of a higher level fear was after I married my wife. I remember getting worried when she would go on a road trip to see her parents without me, or come home late in the evening after working. I’ve seen enough 11 o’clock news to come up with some wicked scenarios. You would think that after 8 years I would have figured out how to deal with this. This was the price I was paying for the happiest moments I could have ever imagined. The fear that was there because I was that happy.
Fatherhood has been no different.
I’m currently sitting in the waiting room of the surgical wing of Children’s Hospital. My oldest daughter, not quite four, is in the other room under anesthesia. The procedure is quite routine. My fear of it is not.
Fatherhood has brought yet another new dimension of fear into my life. The ideas and thoughts that creep into my mind at times would make Steven King blush. Where does this come from? It’s irrational, definitely something I don’t know how to deal with. How does one do this, for three kids, for 18+ years?
I have felt nirvana. Sitting in the play room watching my daughters figure out how to put blocks together. Hearing Alia’s laugh when we play tickle bugs. Seeing that look in her eyes when I pull up in front of the house and she sees me. Feeling a hug so tight it hurts after coming back from a week of traveling. Hearing Caitlyn say ‘Monster’ or answer ‘hiding’ whenever you ask her where something is. Hearing Alia squeal with delight when she found out she was going to be a big sister again. I’m not concerned about what happens after life is over. It can’t get any better than this. This is heaven.
But does it have to come at such a high price?
Update Yes, everything is fine. I’m at home posting this now. Again, one of those irrational fears you just can’t explain away.
